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I hate this.  I hate how I feel.  I  hate being… - young parents

About I hate this.  I hate how I feel.  I  hate being…

Previous Entry Nov. 26th, 2008 @ 10:45 pm Next Entry
I hate this.  I hate how I feel.  I hate being sad.  I hate being depressed.  I hate hating life.  Why can't I be happy anymore?  Why can't I find something to be happy about?  Why do I feel like such a bad person?  Why do I feel like a bad mother?  Why do I feel like everything is my fucking fault?  I can't take it anymore, I really can't and it scares me.  

I've always been depressed to an extent.  Honestly, I don't remember a time in my life when I was truly happy.  Maybe I was and just don't want to remember that time, but I don't remember it.  I guess that I always thought that depression was normal.  It was never bad.  Just sadness here and there out of nowhere, just feeling alone, but it always went away or was masked easily when I did something that I enjoyed.  Something that didn't involve being alone.  Now, however, I can't shake this sadness.  It's always there.  I always feel like crying.  I feel like I hate my life and myself.  I feel like a terrible mother and I have tons of regrets.  

I love my kids so much, please don't get me wrong!  There are just times when I feel like being a mother is so hard and I just can't handle it.  There are times I feel like my kids are to blame for my not having a life.  There are times when I feel like they are ruining my social life.  There are times I feel like I'm single and lonely because of my kids and that I will never find anyone because of them.  I feel like, in my mind, I blame them for so much when they don't deserve it.  I love my kids and I would do anything for them.  I just get to the point, at times, where I get so overwhelmed that I just sit down in the middle of whatever I was doing and I just start crying.  I just start crying and can't stop.  I  really feel like I have post partum depression.  However Olivia is 11 months old already.  How could I have it for this long? Doesn't it go away eventually?  I need help and I know I do.  I'm admitting to myself and to others that I need help.

For the past few months I was so ashamed of how I feel.  I thought it was wrong of me.  I thought I was a bad mom for how I feel... I just felt like a bad person.  Though I feel like I have to admit it to someone so that I can get the help I need for it.  I need to get to the Medicaid office to recertify for insurance so I can get help.  I don't think I could be able to go to a doctor without insurance to get any help because of how much counseling costs.  I can call around and get advice and prices, but I'm just so confused as to where to go.  I hate myself.

My mom doesn't help me.  She always tells me, "Post partum depression isn't a disease, it's a poor excuse not to be a parent."  She says I'm sick in the head and don't deserve to be a parent becaues I "abandon" my kids.  I don't abandon them. I do what I can for them.  There are just those times where I start crying or feel like sleeping would solve everything.  My mom says I'm just "god damn lazy" and a "poor excuse for a human being".  She tells me I'm a "whore", a "slut" and a worthless bitch that shouldn't even live.  My mom throws insults out a lot.  She has always been verbally abusive to me, but I always make excuses for her because she's my mom.  She's the person who raised me and the person who is supposed to support me, but she doesn't.  She always makes me feel like shit.  She is the one who makes everything worse for me.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I just want to cry all day long. 
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Date:November 28th, 2008 02:54 am (UTC)
I think I know how you feel about the constant sadness, the constant feeling of confusion and blame. Every day I feel like a constant failure. I have no one to talk to or turn to. I ask myself, "When will I be truly happy again?!" Except my mom tries to be supportive, but ends up just bossing me around.

I too feel like I hate everything and everyone.
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Date:December 3rd, 2008 12:20 am (UTC)
I've struggled with similar depression for years, and the only thing that ever really helped was being in an intensive partial impatient program at the hospital in my hometown.
Go to the DHHS in your city and, since you have kids, I believe you can get health insurance pretty quickly.
If you can't get insured, start attending a help group at night, usually also hosted by your local hospital (they do groups from AA to Dual-Diagnosis Depression). There is always something like that. The best and only way to help yourself is to give into being helped, put everything into changing.
I still struggle from time to time with my depression, but its not nearly as bad as it used to be because of the help I got MYSELF. You can too!
I'm still just another scared teen parent, living on welfare and scared shitless to be a new mom. But I got the confidence I needed to keep me alive through intensive therapy. Try looking up Dialectal Behavior Therapy.
Date:December 14th, 2008 10:34 am (UTC)

New Contest For Aspiring Tween Fashion Designers

If anyone has kids who are interested in breaking into the fashion industry, there’s a new online contest. You can find it at The Fashion Fantasy Game (http://www.fashionfantasygame.com/). It’s called the Jordin Sparks Jingle Dress Contest.

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