I hate this. I hate how I feel. I hate being sad. I hate being depressed. I hate hating life. Why can't I be happy anymore? Why can't I find something to be happy about? Why do I feel like such a bad person? Why do I feel like a bad mother? Why do I feel like everything is my fucking fault? I can't take it anymore, I really can't and it scares me.
I've always been depressed to an extent. Honestly, I don't remember a time in my life when I was truly happy. Maybe I was and just don't want to remember that time, but I don't remember it. I guess that I always thought that depression was normal. It was never bad. Just sadness here and there out of nowhere, just feeling alone, but it always went away or was masked easily when I did something that I enjoyed. Something that didn't involve being alone. Now, however, I can't shake this sadness. It's always there. I always feel like crying. I feel like I hate my life and myself. I feel like a terrible mother and I have tons of regrets.
I love my kids so much, please don't get me wrong! There are just times when I feel like being a mother is so hard and I just can't handle it. There are times I feel like my kids are to blame for my not having a life. There are times when I feel like they are ruining my social life. There are times I feel like I'm single and lonely because of my kids and that I will never find anyone because of them. I feel like, in my mind, I blame them for so much when they don't deserve it. I love my kids and I would do anything for them. I just get to the point, at times, where I get so overwhelmed that I just sit down in the middle of whatever I was doing and I just start crying. I just start crying and can't stop. I really feel like I have post partum depression. However Olivia is 11 months old already. How could I have it for this long? Doesn't it go away eventually? I need help and I know I do. I'm admitting to myself and to others that I need help.
For the past few months I was so ashamed of how I feel. I thought it was wrong of me. I thought I was a bad mom for how I feel... I just felt like a bad person. Though I feel like I have to admit it to someone so that I can get the help I need for it. I need to get to the Medicaid office to recertify for insurance so I can get help. I don't think I could be able to go to a doctor without insurance to get any help because of how much counseling costs. I can call around and get advice and prices, but I'm just so confused as to where to go. I hate myself.
My mom doesn't help me. She always tells me, "Post partum depression isn't a disease, it's a poor excuse not to be a parent." She says I'm sick in the head and don't deserve to be a parent becaues I "abandon" my kids. I don't abandon them. I do what I can for them. There are just those times where I start crying or feel like sleeping would solve everything. My mom says I'm just "god damn lazy" and a "poor excuse for a human being". She tells me I'm a "whore", a "slut" and a worthless bitch that shouldn't even live. My mom throws insults out a lot. She has always been verbally abusive to me, but I always make excuses for her because she's my mom. She's the person who raised me and the person who is supposed to support me, but she doesn't. She always makes me feel like shit. She is the one who makes everything worse for me. I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to cry all day long.