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young, pregnant and nervously optomistic - young parents

About young, pregnant and nervously optomistic

Previous Entry young, pregnant and nervously optomistic Jan. 27th, 2008 @ 05:15 pm Next Entry
hey all--- i'm very new to writing to online communities, and even newer to parenting and pregnancy.
i'm currently 17 weeks pregnant today, and 21 years old.

though i'm technically single, i do want the father involved who is also 21.

the thing is, in november (before i found out i was pregnant), he assaulted me when we came home from the bar one night. i was pretty much sober (one or two shots of tequila), and he was wasted. he was being pushy towards me and aggravating, and so after some arguing in the night, i started pushing at him and yelling. he started going off about my family and i slapped his head. he turned around and punched me. i was so shocked i pulled the covers over my head and started crying. he got up and got a knife and circled me with it, then pointed it at my face and poked me. the police were called, he disappeared, and he emailed me a few days later apologizing. later that week he harassed me on the phone about the whole deal, and the next day he was in jail for it. since then, i've had a protection order, he's been to jail, and now he's out on bail. i found out i was pregnant and badly wanted him a part of it. i did my reading on abuse and do believe he wants to change, so i'm about to let him be a part of the pregnancy. i'm scared of course because so often they say never look back. but i feel like he deserves the chance. the protection order has been lifted, and i've settled the court by asking for probation (batterers intervention courses, AA, no alcohol). i feel like i'm doing the right thing and pretty confident. but my family is of course against it completely and their worries are legit.

its so confusing right now because my family is still struggling to accept me or my pregnancy, and they never liked the father from day one. i feel deeply in love with him and now am trying to be aware of my actions but still find hope. i know there are lots of girls who have dealt with stuff like this, and i want to find people to talk to who aren't going to just say leave him. in the end, its not the option i am choosing at this time so what other advice can i get? is there hope?

i really hope to hear back from people, so thank you for those that do.
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Date:January 27th, 2008 10:57 pm (UTC)
I got pregnant at 21. My SO showed signs of being mildly abusive, nothing to the extend of what you described or even anything I picked up on until looking back later. The abuse, as it so often does, progressed. Even with DV intervention, IOP, AA, jail time, now C-CAP things never got better. Not as often physical, but constant emotional and mental. Were I to go back with what I know now and do it over, I would have left the first time. I didn't, I stayed for 3.5 years, 2.5 of it with child as witness. I will never fully forgive myself for some of what my child saw happening between the two of us. She still reacts when men get to physically close to me.
He is a good father, as long as we are not trying to parent together. He helps a little, he spends Sunday's with her, that's about it.
Why is leaving him not an option? I felt like I needed my ex for financial support, he makes more than 4x as much as I do and we lived very financially comfortable. I'm now a single mom, totally independent, supporting myself and it is a struggle. But for the first time struggling doesn't hurt. The constant struggling feeling of trying to keep my head above water in that relationship was painful compared to the determined struggle of being a single mom.

Here is a good question to ask yourself. If you were to have a daughter, when you daughter has grown into a lovely young woman do you want her to end up with someone who treats her like your boyfriend treats you? If you stay, and she sees that is how men treat woman, chances are she will. If you were to have a son, do you feel the way your boyfriend treats you is appropriate to how you want your son to treat a women (starting with you) later in life?
That is what I asked myself. Once you have a child, life ceases to be about you and starts to become about only what is best for your child.
Date:January 28th, 2008 08:53 am (UTC)
you know honestly i am a big person of hope and everyone can change if they want to and i think that you should just definitely, not start where you guys left off and just make sure hes making the right changes and doing things that honestly prove that he is going to change. and that really cute honest look they give you that you really want to believe them really doesnt count. its not like the most intelligent answer that comes from a psychiatrist but its an honest answer of someone whose been in bad situations too
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